About

"Patterns” is Chapter III of the “Ocean Inside Of Me Album,” and it’s a bit of an outlier musically, being the first song of mine with an accordion. The first two chapters told a story of becoming aware that something is wrong, realizing that there’s a weight to carry, and struggling with that. There’s inner turmoil and conflict, but the only solution found is to keep going and push through. Inevitably, that leads to “Patterns,” a song about catching yourself repeating the same mistakes and unhealthy coping methods over and over again despite knowing how bad they are for you.

When I was depressed, I knew that none of my coping methods were productive and that I was hurting myself, but I still stayed in those places for more than a year before I had the courage to reach out for help. Self-awareness was not enough to break the cycle when all I used it for was blaming myself for the place I was in.

This is a bitter song written in a state of deep conflict within myself, forcing me to acknowledge the darker parts of me. “This is not who I want to be, yet it lives inside of me.” That line has completely changed its meaning for me over time. When I wrote it, it was an admission of guilt, a shameful, self-destructive part of myself unworthy of love. Now I find it empowering to sing with self-acceptance. Yes, I have my darkness, but I know that she doesn’t define me.

We all have our shadows and patterns, but they will never determine our worth. Whatever you might be going through, be kind to yourself. I hope this song can be there for you when you need it, as it has been for me.

Musically, I always had the idea of a circus vibe for this one, and funnily enough, when I sent it to Dominic Romano, who produced the song, he had the exact same vision for it. Dominic did an incredible job with the production, telling the story through the music too. If you listen closely, you can hear the song fall apart and get worn out as the patterns repeat.